Unlocking the vault…

It is time for me to come clean. I feel like I have been keeping secrets from you and it’s time for me to fess up. I think back on the posts that I have written and I feel like some times, not intentionally, I omit important details from what I write. Not sure why I do this but I think now is the time to let you in on the secret. I am scared. Pretty much everything that I do, almost every day, scares me. In the past I had let these fears prevent me from doing so many things. I write now about all the things I do and how great it makes me feel and how much it is improving my life but I never mention that the fear is still there. I wanted to say something because I thought you should know that the fear hasn’t gone away; I have just learned how to deal with it.

I should probably explain in better detail what I mean. Let’s take the boxing class I went to last week as an example. I was petrified of what the class was going to be like; would I be able to do it, would I hurt myself, would I make a fool of myself, will people laugh at me, these were some of the thoughts running through my head. I grew more and more nervous each day leading up to that class and the fear was somewhat overwhelming. I knew that I had to do the class- I had to at least try- because I owed it to myself and to you. Telling you my goals and plans holds me accountable and makes it easier to follow through on the things I set out to do. Once at the class, I was reassured that I could work at the pace I felt comfortable with and that I should stop any time for water or to catch my breath which helped assuage that nervousness somewhat. I survived that first class, even though it was the hardest workout I have had in the last decade, which gave me a boost of confidence and self-esteem and I left that night feeling great, albeit slightly nauseous.

Unfortunately that increased confidence dwindled as the time approached for my second boxing class last night. I found myself, again, stricken with fear although it was not a fear of the unknown. I knew what to expect, I knew I could push through those 55 minutes and make it to the end and yet I still found myself trying to reason (in my head) my way out of it. Here is where my typical behavior comes back into play. I start to get nervous about an upcoming event and so I start to talk myself out of doing it. I find a good excuse and back out of it and never think twice about doing so. That has been my M.O. and has caused me to miss out on so many things and activities- even social events with friends.

Yesterday I found myself in that same spot while driving home from work. Thinking how much I didn’t want to go to the class. Not that I didn’t want to go but really I was afraid to go. The class is hard and I panicked. Was it a fluke I made it through the first one? As the fears crept into my mind I started to think of excuses to flake out; wanting to spend more time with Paul, blisters on my feet from yesterday’s walk were bothering me, exhausted from an extra long day at work (had to make up some hours because I had to leave for an “appointment”), wasn’t sure I was ready to financially commit to a membership, blah, blah, blah. I knew I could go home, tell any of these excuses to Paul, and he would say ‘OK, you should take the night off’, and I would be free and clear to sit on the couch and do nothing. But then I would just be back to where I was before, in the bad couch potato habit which contributed to my 286 pound weight.

So, I said, ‘ENOUGH! Just suck it up and go to the class and afterwards you will feel great and that’s it!’ I put my foot down and forced myself to do the right thing and off I went. Of course I thought about all my bouncing jiggly parts during the ten minutes of jump rope. We jump rope facing a mirror which is something that will take me time to get used to.  So this time I scooted all the way to the end in order to avoid the mirror- no need to make myself feel self-conscious. I thought about the weird noises my stomach fat makes when I come down from the plank position- definitely not sexy but really not enough to stop me from going back. I thought about how if I let my fears control me I will never be successful and I will continue to miss out on the best parts of life. Now that I see this, it is easier for me to make better choices- like the boxing class.

I do think that it is important for me to stop letting fear control my life. However, I want to make sure you understand that I am not necessarily becoming fearless, or even overcoming my fears, I have just figured out how to manage them. I acknowledge the things that scare me but I try to work through that fear and push myself in order to not become placated by that fear. I hope that in time my fears will lessen; I will have more faith in my strength, more pride in my appearance or at least not care as much about what other people think, and more confidence in my abilities. Until then I know I have to face my fears and make the right, sometimes tough, choices because ultimately my biggest fear should be that I end up 286 pounds, unhealthy, inactive, and miserable. That is far worse than any boxing class I will ever take.

Thanks for reading!

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May 10, 2011. Tags: , , , , , , . Diet, Exercise, Fitness, Life.

18 Comments

  1. The Busy Crab replied:

    Dacia, I struggle with many of the same fears (and cycle of excuses) that you talk about here. I’m still learning to watch out for my typical “place of ‘no'” excuses and embrace a “place of ‘yes'” lifestyle. It’s tough work, but as with learning anything new — practice makes perfect. At some point, it will be second nature for us to accept new challenges, in whatever form they are presented. Keep it up!

    • Dacia replied:

      I am glad to hear that I am not the only one struggling with these issues. It is also nice to know it will get easier. Thank you for your support! It means alot to me!

  2. Angela Isola Maria replied:

    I love your honesty, Dacia! I have so much fear too, especially about working out… in front of other people. Thank you for being so honest and resilient and pushing forward even when you feel like you’re going to throw up from the fear!

    • Dacia replied:

      Thank you Angela! You are a great inspiration to my blogging and I appreciate your support! It is always nice to know you aren’t in this alone.

  3. cassiebehle replied:

    The Busy Crab said it best above – and I am another example of the word ‘No.”

    I used to love playing softball in high school, and I joined a slow pitch, co-ed team this summer thinking to myself – you know what? Get out there and do what you love. I’m still terrifed that I’m going to miss a pop fly (in front of teammates I’m still getting to know – some of which are hot guys! Oh, no, right?!) and people are going to be upset with me. Or that I’ll look like an idiot if I wiff at batting. The fears are enough to hope that it rains and the game gets canceled.

    I’ve never told anyone that before bc I thought it was silly. Feels good to know that other people feel the same, so thank you for this post. 🙂

    So, if you go to boxing, I’ll go to softball! Although I must admit, the allowance of beer at the games DOES make false bravado a bit easier on my end! 😉

    • Dacia replied:

      Thank you so much. Today I set out just to be more honest about my fears because I felt like I was giving my readers the impression that it is all so easy. Now I see that I am not alone, how there are others out there who feel the same way, and because of this post I can help get them through this as they help me. It’s amazing, I am just overwhelmed by the support and I feel so at ease knowing others feel the same way. I will definitely keep up with the boxing and can’t wait to hear about softball! I know you will do great and the beers after will be such an enjoyable social time it will make it all worthwhile. I am proud of you Cassie!

  4. cassiebehle replied:

    I am VERY proud of you, too! Keep up the great work – you are an inspiration!

    • Dacia replied:

      Thank you! You are very kind to say that.

  5. Jen replied:

    No need to be afraid to confess those fears. I personally believe they are shared with at least half the human race. (myself included.) I learned to love weight lifting with some time and practice. I’m sure boxing will get easier and more fun for you. I’m rooting for you!

    • Dacia replied:

      Thanks! Today I have learned how common these fears are. I hope as I learn more technique and get in better shape the boxing class will become easier. I am just going to keep on fighting, no pun intended 😉

  6. kaleighgriff replied:

    Your post is so relate able! I too get overwhelmed with fear and anxiety when it comes to new things, especially with exercising…it’s something i’m not yet very good at and this makes me nervous. You just have to think of the benefits and the reasons your there in mind…i know it’s easier said than done but keep it up! Very motivational.

    • Dacia replied:

      Thanks Kaleigh! You are exactly right. It’s all about perspective and recognizing all of the positive outcomes. Ultimately we have to make decisions that better us, not keep us stagnant or make us worse.

  7. lovelyshadesofnostalgia replied:

    I love your honesty, and you are an inspiration! I find myself rationalizing putting off something or thinking I’m going to go somewhere then wussing out. So you are definitely not alone. It must be freeing to be honest on a public outlet. Sometimes I think “publicizing” fears make them easier to deal with or overcome. If my blog were a more personal take on things, other than just about nostalgic things, my fears, irrational and other wise and all my kookiness would be laid out, and probably be very therapeutic.

    Thanks for sharing. 🙂

    • Dacia replied:

      Thank you so much!

      At first I was nervous about the post because I always fear judgement from others. Once it was out I received so much positive feedback that I realized how irrational my fears are and it became a freeing experience. I realize now I am not alone. In any if this, in life, I am not alone and it is a wonderful feeling. Thank you for your support an encouragement!

  8. jamesandjax replied:

    I am so proud of and in awe of you.

    • Dacia replied:

      Awww, thanks Jaime! That is a really nice thing for you to say! Especially since it is coming from a truly amazing person like yourself!

  9. shrinkingwmn replied:

    I am so the same! I hate new situations where I don’t know for sure what I am getting into – you wouldn’t believe how many times I go somewhere the day before just to scope it out so I have an idea of what to expect on the actual day I am due there…does that make sense? lol
    I have also said no and made up excuses to not go somewhere or do something because of a whole whack load of crazy fears that would go through my head. Sucks huh?
    Now I force myself to go and I make myself look like I am confident and secure – I may still feel shaky inside but at least I look strong and once you trick yourself enough times you actually start to believe it, lol.
    You are brave – only a brave person could have admitted to the fear in the first place – and soon you’re gonna so rock at your boxing classes you’ll wonder why you ever didn’t want to go. 🙂

    • Dacia replied:

      Thank you so much! I know in time the class will get easier for me but I am happy to report that last night I went into my third class without hesitation or doubts. Yay me!

      I like what you said about appearing confident. If I look confident eventually I will become comfortable enough and it will turn into real confidence. Great point! I will definitely try this out!

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