Pity Party: Table for One

Today I woke up wishing things were different.  I feel this way every now and again. Most days I forge through without thinking about it but every once in a while the anger and sadness I feel because of my infertility surface and it puts all of my focus onto this one part of my life. On days like this it’s hard shaking the feeling that I am less of a person. That sadness quickly switches over to anger and I find myself upset that God doesn’t think I deserve the rights to a basic human function like procreation.

Often I work through these issues by telling myself that it will all work out or to give it time or even that this is part of a bigger picture I just can’t see yet but some times these thoughts aren’t good enough to assuage the anger or sadness. Sometimes I just have to wallow in my emotions, throw myself a pity party and sulk. This is where I am at now, feeling bad for myself and hating everyone else who is not battling this problem.

I openly admit that there are times when I look at people; strangers, family, friends, whomever, and think that I would be a better parent and have cursed them for the happiness their family brings them. It kills me that there are people out there who don’t want their children, or don’t want to be pregnant, but end up parents due to their ignorance or laziness. Even worse are the parents who hurt or even kill (I am filled with rage and disgust just thinking about these people) their children. Why did God deem child abusers or murders more deserving of a child than me? Am I that bad of a person? How can I not be angry when there are so many children out there living through horror stories?

I have a good life, and for that I am thankful. I have learned how to be around other people’s children and not have a complete meltdown. I have learned to try to find the positives in the worst situations; trying to make lemonade from lemons, but I am still human, I am not perfect and I cannot put on a happy face all of the time. Some things are just too much to bear all of the time. Every now and again I will get pissed, jealous, angry, upset, and frustrated- sometimes all at once. Sometimes I cry just from talking about it. Sometimes I realize that the feelings buried deep inside are closer to the surface than I think. Sometimes I can’t even open up to the people closest to me to let them know just how much I am hurting and instead try to deal with this alone. Until Paul’s Azoospermia diagnosis that was how I always felt about this situation, alone.

Once we found out about Paul’s infertility issues the problem of actually conceiving naturally grew exorbitantly worse whereas the emotional trauma became much more bearable because I had someone to go through this with. Not saying Paul wasn’t supportive beforehand because he was. He was as supportive as someone who has no idea what you are going through could be. Now we both share the pain and heartbreak that comes with the inability to conceive a child naturally and this issue is now easier for us to relate to and handle. Until his diagnosis, I never knew anyone else with infertility issues. When we found out, it allowed me for the first time to have open and honest discussions with someone about the psychological effects of infertility.

I found that once I opened up to one person it was much easier to open up to others. I found a blog on Word Press, Infertility Awakening, which helps make me feel less alone in this battle. I have found support through her kind words and never-ending hope which I have grown to rely on for my daily guidance through this part of my journey. I have found solace in having open discussions with friends and learning how they persevered through similar circumstances. I have found hope again because of the kindness and love of others and feel like I will survive this, too.   

When the pity party starts to get a little out of hand I try to switch my thoughts to a different perspective. I think of my friends, fortunate to have children of their own but who suffered through PPD and miscarriages. I think of how much they suffered through their pain and how difficult life must have felt every day and yet they summoned the courage to survive through the worst of it and ended up in a much better place. I have to recognize that heartache isn’t an emotion specific only to me. Many people have gone through this and/or many other worse situations. Today it may not seem as much of a consolation but I do know it will get better, I do know it will all work out.

Thanks for reading!

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May 17, 2011. Tags: , , , , . Infertility, Life.

8 Comments

  1. Graceline replied:

    hhhmmm looked up azoospermia on Wikipedia and found out lots of interesting info. I hope you are still hopeful? You still have so many options. That’s not to say I understand how you are really, really feeling, but I can say I am very sympathetic. Do you still have options you are considering? Sometimes we think God is playing foolish games with our lives, and then SUDDENLY everything aligns itself. Patience is a wicket master. Please hang in there and sleep well tonight, knowing that theremis a higher power in control. Just wait, good things are coming your way.

    • Dacia replied:

      Thank you Karen. Your kind words mean so much to me. I do have faith that it will work out for us in the end. It’s just that some days that faith is tested.

      As far as Paul’s azoospermia, we are waiting for him to undergo a biopsy to determine if he produces sperm that could be harvested for IVF. That should hopefully happen some time later this summer.

  2. SAJ replied:

    hang in there dacia – you are such a positive person, it is completely natural to have days like this. anyone would – and i’ sure everyone does – just about different things. i am so glad that you have found a community to help share these feelings with you and hopefully make you feel better. i’m keeping my fingers crossed for the IVF options.
    hugs =)

    • Dacia replied:

      Thank you so much! I am hoping Paul will be able to schedule his biopsy after he returns from training and after his eye surgery. Hopefully by the end of the summer we should know if IVF is a possibility.

  3. cassiebehle replied:

    Wonderful thoughts from everyone who commented on this already – and I agree with them all. I also encourage you to take a step back when you feel anger or resentment toward others because I honestly believe that everyone – I don’t care WHO you are – is going through, will go through, or has gone through something equally disappointing or difficult in their lives.

    This is the ultimate test for patience and understanding, and I know that one day you will find the answers and peace you are looking for and everything will make sense.

    Hugs!

    • Dacia replied:

      I agree! I try to not get caught up in the anger or jealousy because I know it is an irrational feeling and will pass once I can talk myself through it. I appreciate your kind words and support. I know things will work out. Thanks!

  4. kitchentutor replied:

    Oh, I just want to reach out and give you a hug!! I’m so sorry that you have this trial to walk through in your life. I believe God wants us to be completely honest with Him about how we feel even on these days. Psalm 139 is one of my favorites and reminds me that He is very interested in every detail of our lives. I have a handful of trials I’ve had to walk through that it’d be easy to say “A good God wouldn’t let this happen” but the blessings He has brought me and the grace that He has given me reminds me that He does love us more that we can imagine 🙂 Know that I’m praying for you…

    • Dacia replied:

      Thank you so much! It is always nice to know there are others out there thinking of me and praying for me. It isn’t always easy but having the support of so many wonderful people helps get me through the rough spots.

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