Bathing Suits! Blerg!

If you were/are like me (morbidly obese) then you recognize the countless benefits from losing weight; better health, decreased stress on your joints, less limitations (i.e. weight restrictions), and overall wellbeing to name a few.

However, there are also downsides and one in particular has started to take its toll on me. My body. More specifically, all this weird hanging skin and my shriveling boobs. It’s kind of gross.

I knew that it was very likely that I could lose a substantial amount of weight only to be faced with a grotesque body. For months and months I was still plump in my belly and breasts and as they shrunk they still looked relatively normal. Recently, however, I can see more clearly the loose skin hanging around my stomach. When I lean forward or put my bra on I see how my breasts resemble raisins. It’s hard not to let this discourage me. Don’t even get me started on my thighs and upper arms. Ugh!

Even with my physical appearance unpleasantly changing I still feel fabulous and know I am making the best decision by losing weight. I have no regrets. This was/is the right thing for me to do; the lifestyle I should have chosen long ago. Feeling good and knowing I am working to get to a healthy place diminishes the feelings of disgust/shame with the physical body changes….most days.

Most days I don’t feel gross, fat, or disgusting. Most days I am happy and feel confident. Most days, however, I don’t go bathing suit shopping like I did this past weekend.

Sunday I spent a few hours trying on all different types of bathing suits and those same hours were spent feeling like crap about how I looked.

The weird thing is, when I was 286 pounds I didn’t feel like I was that fat. I knew I was big but I never felt grossly obese. I just felt like a normal heavy person. Now, now that I am 110+ lighter I feel like I am still really overweight. Don’t get me wrong, I am still overweight. I only recently moved from obese to overweight, but it’s like the more I lose the more self-conscious of my (naked) appearance I get and the fatter I feel.

So when I have to go and shove my odd-shaped body into tight-ass spandex and lycra swimsuits that reveal my back fat rolls, force my boobs to pop out of the sides, and do nothing to hide my giant belly well then that is when I have a break-down.

In a dressing room.

Feeling ugly.

Hating how I look.

It was awesome.

But I finally found a suit (at store# 4) that I liked and felt comfortable wearing, even if it doesn’t do a great job at hiding my belly, which made me happy.

Because I was buying a bathing suit so I could exercise in the pool. I wanted to be able to swim laps and take water aerobics classes. Because even when I feel shitty about how I look I still need to continue making good choices.

Choices that will help me get to a healthy weight.

Baggy skin and all.

I may never look like a model or have tight smooth skin but that’s not what my journey is about. Some days it’s going to be harder for me to recognize that. To see my progress, my improved health and physical stamina, through those layers of fat and skin. But I do know those days are getting fewer and farther apart. Self-love and acceptance are so much more than loving how I look on the outside. I can still love me and have days where I don’t love how I look and I accept these feelings to be normal.

I just focus on what I do love about myself.

I just focus on the next healthy choice I am going to make to improve my life.

I just focus on the love and kindness I am surrounded by.

And then I jump into the pool 🙂

Thanks for reading!

Advertisements

March 13, 2012. Tags: , , , , , . Exercise, Fitness, Shopping.

10 Comments

  1. Laura replied:

    Seriously, thank you for this post! I had just been talking with a friend today about how frustrated I am that I’m not seeing change when I’m looking at myself without clothes. With clothes, the changes are blatant for me now – but I’m still struggling with that without clothing look. AND I’m stuck trying to get below 200 and just struggling every step of the way.

    So thank you for this post to remind me that my appearance isn’t everything and to remember all the other benefits I’m giving myself that I can’t see in the mirror!

    Also, once you need a fun swimsuit – check out Lands End. they have tons of mix and match swimsuits that are really cute and not revealing. I love them!

    • Dacia replied:

      Yeah it is hard to notice those changes since we look at ourself every day. It’s weird. I’m glad I am not alone when it comes to feeling frustrated.

      I know you will bust through the 200’s soon. You just need to get your workout mojo back and you’ll get there.

      Good luck!

      Remember- you are just as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside!

  2. skinnyshae replied:

    That’s very beautiful.

  3. Jaime (@jamesandjax) replied:

    I think every single one of us has similar body issues, no matter what our body actually looks like. Bathing suit shopping has this powerful, negative effect on our psyche. It is terrible.

    This post was perfect for me to read today because I’ve been feeling like an aging frumpy suburban mom. I am going to write down the last few lines and put them where I can see them. Maybe if I read them over & over, it will change how I’ve been feeling about myself lately.

    • Dacia replied:

      That’s a great idea Jaime! I may do the same. Keep them up on my mirror so when I look at my old wrinkly sagging body (lol) I will feel better. Thanks for the inspiration!

  4. Erica Zamsky Hunt (@MommaHunt16) replied:

    aww I so understand. I lost a lot of weight before kids and my body was not the body I had dreamed of. Then post babies…don’t even get me started. I will say this though both times the longer I was thin or post baby some of my body got better. In particular the girls. I nursed both my kids and they were ridiculous, then after nursing they were how shall I put this…not so big. It did take a year but the boobs got a little better. Im not playboy material (never have been never will be) but this did get slightly better. I do know how hard it is to except after all the hard work that you won’t have the body you always dreamed of but at least this new body will last you much longer!

    • Dacia replied:

      Thank you Erica! I love that last statement- at least it will last longer. So true! If that’s not motivation to keep going no matter what then I don’t know what is!

  5. cassiebehle replied:

    I am so proud of your accomplishments and know that you are a beautiful, STRONG person on the inside, so don’t fret – just get out there and swim some laps in that sweet-ass swimsuit! 😉

  6. sweetopiagirl replied:

    Reblogged this on Inspiredweightloss.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback URI

%d bloggers like this: