Bathing Suits! Blerg!

If you were/are like me (morbidly obese) then you recognize the countless benefits from losing weight; better health, decreased stress on your joints, less limitations (i.e. weight restrictions), and overall wellbeing to name a few.

However, there are also downsides and one in particular has started to take its toll on me. My body. More specifically, all this weird hanging skin and my shriveling boobs. It’s kind of gross.

I knew that it was very likely that I could lose a substantial amount of weight only to be faced with a grotesque body. For months and months I was still plump in my belly and breasts and as they shrunk they still looked relatively normal. Recently, however, I can see more clearly the loose skin hanging around my stomach. When I lean forward or put my bra on I see how my breasts resemble raisins. It’s hard not to let this discourage me. Don’t even get me started on my thighs and upper arms. Ugh!

Even with my physical appearance unpleasantly changing I still feel fabulous and know I am making the best decision by losing weight. I have no regrets. This was/is the right thing for me to do; the lifestyle I should have chosen long ago. Feeling good and knowing I am working to get to a healthy place diminishes the feelings of disgust/shame with the physical body changes….most days.

Most days I don’t feel gross, fat, or disgusting. Most days I am happy and feel confident. Most days, however, I don’t go bathing suit shopping like I did this past weekend.

Sunday I spent a few hours trying on all different types of bathing suits and those same hours were spent feeling like crap about how I looked.

The weird thing is, when I was 286 pounds I didn’t feel like I was that fat. I knew I was big but I never felt grossly obese. I just felt like a normal heavy person. Now, now that I am 110+ lighter I feel like I am still really overweight. Don’t get me wrong, I am still overweight. I only recently moved from obese to overweight, but it’s like the more I lose the more self-conscious of my (naked) appearance I get and the fatter I feel.

So when I have to go and shove my odd-shaped body into tight-ass spandex and lycra swimsuits that reveal my back fat rolls, force my boobs to pop out of the sides, and do nothing to hide my giant belly well then that is when I have a break-down.

In a dressing room.

Feeling ugly.

Hating how I look.

It was awesome.

But I finally found a suit (at store# 4) that I liked and felt comfortable wearing, even if it doesn’t do a great job at hiding my belly, which made me happy.

Because I was buying a bathing suit so I could exercise in the pool. I wanted to be able to swim laps and take water aerobics classes. Because even when I feel shitty about how I look I still need to continue making good choices.

Choices that will help me get to a healthy weight.

Baggy skin and all.

I may never look like a model or have tight smooth skin but that’s not what my journey is about. Some days it’s going to be harder for me to recognize that. To see my progress, my improved health and physical stamina, through those layers of fat and skin. But I do know those days are getting fewer and farther apart. Self-love and acceptance are so much more than loving how I look on the outside. I can still love me and have days where I don’t love how I look and I accept these feelings to be normal.

I just focus on what I do love about myself.

I just focus on the next healthy choice I am going to make to improve my life.

I just focus on the love and kindness I am surrounded by.

And then I jump into the pool 🙂

Thanks for reading!


March 13, 2012. Tags: , , , , , . Exercise, Fitness, Shopping. 10 comments.

My Newest Addiction

For the longest time I thought I was one of those girls who hated shopping. Now I realize that I was just one of those girls who didn’t like shopping when she was obese and hated how she looked. Um yeah, since I am now able to shop at my old favorite stores I have totally caught the shopping bug. Actually let me rephrase that, I caught the clearance/sale/discount shopping bug. 🙂

It all started on December 26th when Paul and I woke up to see that the Gap had the entire store 50% off. So, to the Gap we went. For less than $100 I bought three pairs of work pants, three sweaters, a long sleeve shirt, and a short sleeve work appropriate shirt. I think I have gone shopping for one thing or another every weekend since Christmas. Two weeks ago Old Navy had all their active wear on sale and I snagged two pairs of compression pants and two sports bras. Then last weekend they had all their clearance items 50% off and I made out like a bandit.


Size 10 jeans (woot!) for 7.50


Size medium (double woot!) cargo pants 6 bucks

I also bought that plaid shirt for 6.50- it’s an XL. I still have to buy XL in most button down shirts or else it pulls open around my chest. Not very classy 😉


A new coat size medium (that will hopefully be the last coat I need to buy for a long time) for only $20 bucks.

I’ve also been shopping the clearance racks at the PX (the department store on post) and have found some really great deals there too.


I bought this tunic (which I will wear with leggings) in a size small, probably the only small I will ever buy, for $15 bucks.



I got these (vegan) shoes half off! Score! Perfect for the wedding!

I think this whole shopping craze has been exaggerated by the fact that in two weeks I will be seeing my whole family, most of which I haven’t seen in a few years, and I want to look my best. They all know I’ve lost a lot of weight but I don’t think they have any idea as to what I actually look like. A part of me worries that they are expecting me to be skinny. It makes me nervous that they will look at me and think, “after all that, she’s still fat”. Which is true; I still have forty pounds to lose. I know it sounds stupid to think my family will be looking at me with a critical eye and I am sure they won’t but I still want to make sure I look good.

This weekend we’ll be hitting the stores again. Mostly for Paul though, although he hasn’t lost much weight his body has changed significantly. He needs smaller clothes too and he needs something to wear to the wedding. I, of course, will be scouring the clearance racks while he shops and I am sure I won’t be leaving empty handed.

Yep, I am pretty sure I need to start looking for a second job in order to offset this weekend shopping addiction 🙂

Thanks for reading!

January 26, 2012. Tags: , , , , , . Shopping. 8 comments.

{Semi} Wordless Wednesday: Shopping

Every time I go shopping people ask me to post pictures of what I buy. Sometimes this is difficult because I don’t go home and try everything on and take pictures. Usually what ends up happening is I take pictures as I wear something. Luckily the past two times I’ve gone shopping I went by myself and I have photos of everything I tried on because I was sending them to Paul for his opinion. So here are some pics of what I’ve bought recently.

A new coat


This top but in a different color


These sweaters




Picture from home- not the best- of the ‘large’ shirt I unknowingly bought from Old Navy.


It looks better in natural light


Also, did I show you this? It’s the Arcade Fire shirt I bought at ACL. We bought a men’s large and a few weeks ago I was able to fit in it finally. Yay!


Oh, in case you were wondering if I went out for Black Friday; yes I did. But I only went to two stores- Whole Foods and Bed Bath and Beyond. I bought 12 bottles of Kombucha and a pair of Toms from Whole Foods and 4 boxes of Keurig K-cups from BB&B. Not your typical BF purchases but I was pretty excited!



Thanks for reading!

November 30, 2011. Tags: , , , , , , , , . Life, Shopping, wordless wednesday. 7 comments.

My Big Shopping Trip

So I know I promised pictures of my new outfits and you will get them; just not today. I realized I forgot to have Paul take some pictures yesterday. Our big concern was getting all the new stuff washed and sorting through my old clothes in order to get rid of them and taking pictures kind of slipped my mind. As I was getting dressed this morning it dawned on me about the photographs and since I had planned on writing about my (wildly successful) shopping trip I thought I should at least do something to appease the masses. So I took some pictures of one of my new work outfits so you can at least see something. The top I am wearing is my favorite work top I bought- I was so excited to wear it today!

Full outfit from the front:


Side profile:


Close-up of top. Don’t you just love it!!!


Our shopping day started out at Target where I was hoping to pick up some workout clothes. As we were walking through the parking lot Paul spotted Stella, one of my former co-workers whom I haven’t seen since I left my last job in July. I was so excited to see her, and her husband, lots of hugs were going around as we quickly caught up on each other’s lives. Right off the bat Stella told me I looked great and asked how much I had lost. I told her I had lost 72 pounds and that is why we were shopping because I needed new clothes. What a good feeling and a great way to start the day.

I lucked out at Target and was able to fit into their XXL athletic/fitness clothes. FYI- for those of you who don’t know XXL and 2X are not the same. Women’s XXL is smaller than a 2X and is usually carried in the regular sizes (for lack of a better word) not in the plus size section. I was hoping to fit into the XXL at Target because they don’t carry plus size workout clothes. Most places I shop don’t carry plus size workout clothes. It’s a crappy deal but luckily for me I can now fit in the XXL sizes at Target! Yay!

From Target:

5 pairs of workout pants; 2 long, 3 capris

3 vneck shirts (because they didn’t have any non-vneck shirts)

2 sports bras; size large down from XXL

1 long-sleeve shirt for me to wear at yoga at work- it’s really cold

3 everyday type shirts

1 cardigan for work

Next we were off to Macy’s. They have really great clearance sales on holiday weekends and I had a coupon for an additional 15% off- I was ready to shop. I was happy when I realized after the first round of trying on clothes that I was down to a 16 pant size and a 1X top size. That’s two sizes down in pants and one in tops- yay! I was even happier when I realized these were the smallest sizes Macy’s carries in their plus size section which means next shopping trip I will be out of the plus size and able to shop at pretty much any store I want. Double yay!

From Macy’s:

4 pairs of work pants

2 pairs of jeans

4 work tops

2 cardigans

1 everyday top

Somehow I convinced Paul to make one more stop. I felt I needed to buy more workout tops. Being active 7 days a week is pretty tough on clothes rotation; it is much easier if I can make it through the week without having to wash anything. We headed to Old Navy because I thought I would be able to stock up on some MEN’S XL t-shirts. Old Navy usually carries men’s t-shirts for pretty cheap and I thought I could probably stock up pretty nicely. Once there I was lured to the women’s section by all the cute clothes and I spotted a nice sweater I thought would be the perfect replacement to the sweater I currently wore at work. Paul looked through the sizes but sadly there were no XXLs. There was however an XL and just for the heck of it decided to try it on. Low and behold, it fit. Score! New sweater to wear at work! Then it dawned on me that if I can fit in that XL sweater maybe I could fit in other clothes there too. I couldn’t help but grab clothes to try on and though I did buy a handful of tops in XXL I also bought just as many tops in XL and I even got an XL pair of yoga pants too. Oh, happy day! It had been probably 6 years or so since I was able to shop in an Old Navy store and here I was buying WOMEN’S clothes right off the rack. I was freaking out. I kept running up to Paul with clothes I wanted to buy and clothes I needed SMALLER sizes for. It was an incredible feeling.

From Old Navy

5 workout tops (3XL, 2XXL)

1 pair of XL yoga pants

1 XL sweater

2 XXL everyday tops

Once we were home I needed to quickly change out of my old clothes into my new jeans and a t-shirt and head out to the season opener for the San Antonio Rampage. As part of our season ticket package Paul and I both got hockey jerseys and we were going to be picking them up that night. However, when I bought the season ticket package last February I noted I wanted XXL men’s jersey. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to swap it out and would be stuck with the XXL. Paul told me on the ride to the stadium that if that was the case then we could just go over to the gift shop and buy a smaller one. That was really nice of him to offer that. Luckily, we didn’t need to because the rep working the season ticket holder counter thought that losing 70 pounds was a valid reason to need a different size. She gave me an XL and guess what? It was too big. I asked her for a large and that one fit. Holy crap! I was wearing a men’s large. Yes, I was doing a little happy dance as I put it on. In case you didn’t see this picture on Twitter here is me modeling my new jersey.

Go Rampage!


All in all it was a fantastic shopping day. I bought a ton of new clothes but more importantly I really liked how I looked in them. I can really see the difference in my body now from last February and if that is motivation to keep pushing I don’t know what else is!

Thanks for reading!

October 10, 2011. Tags: , , , , , , . Shopping, Weight Watchers. 16 comments.

{Semi} Wordless Wednesday: Shopping

Each day over the long weekend I spent some time shopping for some new clothes. There were so many sales go on that I was able to buy a bunch of stuff without completely destroying our savings account. Yay! Here are some pictures of most of the things (I ordered some stuff online, too) that I bought. Sorry if you can’t really see how they look. I thought it would work best if I laid them out on white sheets but it probably would have looked better if I took pics of them on hangers. Oh, well.

2 tops from Macy’s; both 2X. Yeah, so I just discovered Macy’s plus size section and I went crazy. I think it will be my new place to shop. They had such a great selection.

Lilac 3/4 sleeve cardigan , black v-neck top with stitching around the neckline, purple tank top with ruching around the neckline all from Lane Bryant size 22/24

One pair gray pants size 20 from Macy’s, two pairs of black pants (one size 20, one size 22) and one pair of gray pants size 20 from Avenue.

Sweater, white with blue stripes (one size fits all, Ralph Lauren plus size) and short sleeve button up shirt size 22. Both from Macy’s

Three tops; v-neck multi-color, black and gray stripes with vest, plain gray v-neck, all 22/24 from Lane Bryant

Two pairs of jeans size 22 from Macy’s, khaki skort size 22 and bermuda length jean shorts size 20 both from Lane Bryant, 2 pair of athletic shorts 2XL from Wal-Mart.

I also purchased a new pair of black shoes and a sports bra from Target, three tops (to wear at Bikram) from Old Navy online, and a pair of sandals from Avenue online. I am so excited to have some new clothes. It really is amazing how much better you feel about yourself when you put on some clothes that actually fit. I was wearing 26/28 and 3X tops and size 24 pants and now I am wearing a size or two smaller in everything. Yay! 🙂 Also, I took this opportunity to clean out my closet. Three bags filled with clothes ready to be donated- I am NOT keeping anything that is too big!

Thanks for reading!

July 6, 2011. Tags: , , , , , . Shopping, Weight Watchers. 14 comments.

Give and Get is Here!

Enjoy 30% off from March 17-20 at Gap, Banana Republic and Old Navy plus we’ll make a 5% donation to a non-profit.

via Give and Get is Here!.

March 14, 2011. Tags: , , , . Shopping. Leave a comment.