the hardest part

Today’s blog post will probably be the hardest one I have to write. I set out on this blogging journey with every intention to be open and honest about my life. If I sugarcoat, downplay, or avoid these issues with you there is a really good chance I am doing the same thing to myself. I want to be successful; I want to be happy with myself and the life I live every day so this is what I have to do.  So here it goes.

Paul and I have been married for six years and have been unsuccessful at conceiving a child. This has been a very difficult situation for us because we really do want to have children. When we were younger and would talk about our future it always revolved around a family and having kids, and grandkids, and great grandkids. Now we find ourselves engulfed in disappointment and resentment, not quite sure where to go from here. 

In 2002, back when having children wasn’t at the top of my to-do list, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and it has not so quietly affected my life ever since. It affects your hormone levels, periods and ovulation. I have, in the past, been on birth control to help regulate my hormone levels but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know you can’t get pregnant while on the pill. While Paul and I have been actively trying to conceive I have suffered through some excruciating bouts but it was a tradeoff I was willing to take in the hopes we could conceive a child. 

Towards the end of 2010, we decided to see an infertility specialist to see if it was at all possible for us to conceive naturally. The testing started first with Paul as it easier for males to be tested than females. We viewed this as more of an informality than anything as we thought my PCOS was causing our problems. Sadly, testing revealed that Paul has a condition called Azoospermia, which basically means he does not have a measurable amount of sperm in his semen. This news kind of rocked our world. Six years and we always thought it was me and really it was both of us. It also meant that the chances of us ever conceiving naturally dropped to zero.

We are still hopeful that with help we could possibly conceive a child. Some time in the next few months, Paul will undergo a biopsy to see if he has any harvestable sperm. If he does, we would be able to try to conceive via IVF. I have already been told by my doctor that I would not be a candidate for IVF until I get to a healthy weight – yet another reason to get my ass in shape. It has been very difficult for us, all of the obstacles that seem to keep creeping into our life. We have also started to research the other alternatives available for us if Paul is, in fact, sterile. For me, I still want to see if IVF is a possibility. I want to be able to experience pregnancy and labor and that bond a mother has with her child. I also feel that if nothing else, this biopsy could provide closure on that ideal. At least we will know if the possibility does not exist for us and we can move on from there.

Some days I struggle with the sadness from not being able to conceive. I feel broken and useless, less of a human. I feel incomplete.

Some days I struggle with anger. It pisses me off that there are so many unfit parents out there, i.e., crack heads, alcoholics, abusers, but yet the powers that be deem me not good enough. Why not me? What is wrong with me? Am I really that bad of a person that I shouldn’t have a child?

Some days I struggle with the jealousy I have towards friends and family that didn’t have to go through this. I don’t wish this pain on anyone; I just wish I could be like them. I just want to have a family, too.

And some days I struggle to find the hope and strength to keep trying. With each obstacle we face, the pain of this whole situation becomes a little more unbearable. I know ultimately, if we could have a child, it would have all been worth it but it is hard not to think sometimes that it might not ever happen. So I search for the glimmer of hope in the darkness to help get me through the rough times and find solace in knowing that even through all of this I still have a pretty great life!